Jokes

 

Thor's Hammer Joke. 1

English Coins Joke. 1

School Teacher Joke. 1

Scottish Hospital Joke. 2

Politically Correct Irish Joke. 2

Thor's Hammer Joke

Some years ago, a group of my acquaintances were admiring a copy of Thor, the popular comic book created by the celebrated genius Jack Kirby. We were looking, in particular, at an illustration of the thunder-god attacking a large troll.

'Why,' remarked my friend, 'did the celebrated genius Jack Kirby choose to depict The Mighty Thor as having six fingers on his left hand.'

'I do not think that he did,' I riposted, 'Surely as great a visionary would not have made so elementary a mistake.'

'See for yourself,' said my friend, 'Visionary genius Jack Kirby may well have been, but six fingers on his left hand Thor quite clearly has.'

A third person entered the discussion at this point. 'Is Thor, in the illustration which you are discussing, depicted as holding his mighty magical Uru hammer?'

'Yes he is,' I said 'But why do you ask?'

'Well, perhaps what you are looking at is in fact the thong.'

'No,' I said emphatically 'He is in a completely different comic book.'

English Coins Joke

The old 50p piece was known as a Wilson, because it was many sided and two-faced.

The 1 coin is known as a Thatcher, because it is thick, brassy and thinks it's a sovereign.

The 5p piece is known as a Major, because it is pointless, irritating, and you try to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

The new 50p piece is known as a Blair, because it is like the old one, but more lightweight.

The 2 coin is known as a Hague, because it is neither one thing nor the other and no-one will ever take it seriously.

The 3 coin is known as the Duncan-Smith, because it doesn't exist.

School Teacher Joke

A teacher of Religious Education has just begun a new job in an opted out high school in the London Borough of Islington.

She decides to go right back to basics. "Now then class," she says "Can anyone tell me who made the world?"

A little boy sticks up his hand. "Please Miss, Tony Blair," he says politely.

The teacher assumes that she hadn't phrased the question clearly enough, and repeats it. "According to the Bible," she says "Who was it who created the heavens and the earth in six days and six nights?"

Another boy sticks up his hand. "It was Tony Blair!" he insists.

"No, let me try again," says the teacher. "According to your Creed, who is it who is the maker of everything that is, seen and unseen?"

A little girl at the back of the classroom raises her hand nervously. "God," she says "It was God who created the universe."

The rest of the lesson passes off without incident, but as the children are leaving, the teacher overhears one of them say "Well., that's another bloody Tory moved into the neighbourhood."

Scottish Hospital Joke

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. He comes to a ward full of people who seem to have nothing wrong with them. He goes to the first bed and says "Well, how are you." The patient looks him straight in the eye and says "The best lay schemes of mice and men gang aft aglay!". Tony smiles politely, and walks to the next bed, where the patient greets him with a hearty "Och, gi'us a gift, the gift he gi'us, to see ourselves as other's see us." Slightly confused, Tony tries to strike up a conversation with yet another inmate, but this one just mutters "Och, my luv's like a red, red, rose that's newly sprung in June" repeatedly.

"Is this the psychiatric ward?" says Tony.

"No," the ward sister replies. "It's the burns unit."

Politically Correct Irish Joke

What did St Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are y'alright there in the back, lads?"