Even One is One Too Many...


I read in the paper that Playthings-Am-We have just prohibited the sale Dinky and Matchbox toys. Thousands of miniature Volkswagen's and BMWs are, at this moment, being melted down, a sort of moral cull. (It calls to mind a 60s instalment of Blue Peter, showing thousands of Dinky Toys being melted down—to be turned, I think, in to jumpers for starving babies.)

'I hope other retailers will follow suit' said a spokesperson for Playthings-Am-We. 'Even this' he said, wielding a fluorescent friction powered model of a Rolls Royce driven by a large pink hedgehog 'Is subliminally putting the message across that cars are in some way glamorous and acceptable.'

Further, Popcorn Multiplex Cinemas has decided that the multi-million dollar computer generated remake of Noddy Goes To Town, which features Sylvester Stallone as the voice of Big Ears, should be banned from all sixty eight thousand of its cinemas, despite the fact that the British Board of Film Censorship Sorry Classification decided that it could, after all, grant the film a certificate. The multiplex chain felt that, in the present climate, the now-notorious yellow-car sequence (in which Noddy gets into a car and drives it down the road) would be insensitive.

Labour pre-empted the result of the government enquiry into the problem, and stated that, when they are in government, as opposed to only thinking that they are, they will put legislation in place that would ban the private ownership of motor vehicles. Compromise measures, in which individuals would be allowed to own cars provided they left the petrol at their garage; or would be allowed to take the petrol home but leave the car at the garage, were rejected because they did not address the root course of the problem. Proposals that people should be encouraged to use public transport and drive slowly in built up areas were rejected as being far too sensible.

In the ensuing weeks, the policy issued an amnesty, and millions of car-owners selectively culled their motor vehicles.

There are also measures afoot to bring in a test for car-ownership, possibly involving the issuing of some sort of 'licence'. Another idea was that fifty foot barriers with video cameras attached to them should be installed along all roadside kerbs in England, at a cost to the taxpayer of two hundred and fifty eight million pounds.

'This would ensure that no child could ever again run out into the middle of the road' explained a spokesman for the sorts of people who say things like that. 'Legitimate road-crossers could be issued with magnetic DNA coded smart cards which would open gateways to get them onto the other side.'

'This may seem a little drastic' said the Chief Constable of Greater Wibblesfield 'But in the light of this appalling massacre,—three thousand children killed by people armed with cars in the last twelve months alone—it would be unthinkable that we should do nothing about it.'