Education, Education and Education

 

2000

January 1st

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. All 11 year olds will volunteer for special "summer schools" to fill the gap between the end of primary and the beginning of secondary education. Researchers have discovered that too many children spend their summer holidays aimlessly riding their bicycles around the park, swimming in the sea, going to boy scout camps and generally having joy, fun and seasons in the sun. Modern educational theorists believe that this is a shocking waste of time when they could be doing useful things like catching up on their basic maths, basic science, and basic net-surfing. It is, further more, very dangerous for a whole class of citizens to spend as much as six weeks making their own entertainment when they could be being organised and regulated by government employees.

January 2nd

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. On their 16th birthday, all children will volunteer for special "Adventure Camps", to fill the gap between leaving school and becoming unemployed. These camps will involve outdoor activities like "climbing, orientation and survival training". Researchers have discovered that too many young people spend their childhoods hunched over books and computer screens revising maths, science and surfing the web. Modern educational theorists believe that young people require lots of fresh air and healthy exercise. A spokes person for the ministry of education explained that "These camps will help them to grow up more quickly and make them ready for the adult world much sooner", which is, being interpreted, it will do you the world of good and make and man out of you.

January 3rd

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. Schools gymnasiums are to be re-designed so that shower curtains can be fitted in the changing rooms, in order to avoid embarrassment to Moslems and people with small willies.

January 4th

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. Teachers are to be abolished and replaced with "Learning managers". Conventional time tables are to be abolished and replaced with "individual learning plans" tailored to particular children's enthusiasms. Conventional schools are to be abolished and replaced with highly specialised centres of excellence which children can move around, based on their chosen time tables. These new time tables will be open ended; children will be free to study any language they like whether ancient or modern and a full range of science, arts and sports. If a child wants to study Byzantine Greek, he will simply be bussed to which even local Comprehensive has the best record in ancient languages. In order to fit in all these exciting opportunities, the school day will be extended from 7AM to 10PM.

January 5th

A survey reveals that a majority of parents would like schools to bring back the cane.

2006

September 1st

First batch of pupils from the new "learning centres" emerge from their New Labour Camps and start looking for jobs. Those whose particular enthusiasms and talents led them the choose to study computers, science and technology get high paying jobs working for Microsoft. Those whose particular enthusiasms and talents led them the choose to study Latin, drama, and pottery cannot get any work at all. According to the terms of the New Deal, they are called to their Job Centres (or "Opportunity Knocking Shops" as they are now known) and told about the minimum wage jobs available in their areas. If they do not take one of these minimum wage jobs, they are deemed to have Socially Excluded themselves, and are fully entitled to lead good and productive lives selling the Big Issue, sleeping in luxurious sleeping bags provided for them by woolly minded do-gooders and pissing in car parks.

Interviewed by the BBC, one young man, fluent in Byzantine Greek and a dab hand at abstract painting said "My fortnight's orienteering on Dartmoor has certainly been a great help to me in my career as an ambulant French Fry executive at McDonalds.

August

Survey reveals that the majority of parents would like their children to be taught by bald men in mortar boards called "Mr Chips."

2007

January

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. Learning managers are to be abolished and replaced with computers. Schools are to be abolished, and replaced with Internet cafes. The government is worried that its curriculum is being watered down by the left-wingers, liberals and other forces of conservatism who administer it. Under the new system, pure unadulterated facts will be transmitted directly into pupils computers via the information superhighway.

September

Survey reveals that the majority of parents would like children to be taught exclusively with blackboards and chalk. Asked why, they reply "It is impossible to discipline a child efficiently by chucking a piece of modem at him."

2009

January 1st

The Minister for Education today announced his revolutionary new vision to reform English schools in the 21st century. All gifted pupils will volunteer to be taken away from their parents at birth and educated in centres of excellence tentatively called "Academies". Only graduates of these "Academies" will be permitted to vote, stand for parliament, or work in the newly privatised armed forces. The purpose of these academies is to educate a new class of person who will enable this country to become a ideal state and a beacon for the world. A curriculum concentrating on geometry and the Internet will ensure that their hearts and minds will conform perfectly to the beliefs and values of the Labour Party. Anyone caught reading poetry will be Socially Excluded.

Several Member of the House of Lords ask "But who will guard these Guardian-readers?"

January 2nd

House of Lords abolished

August

A survey reveals that the majority of parents would like children to be taught rugger and netball and to be made to do laps of the playing field in their underwear if they forget their kit.

2012

February

Minister for education declares lessons in quantum gravity and warp core mechanics to be made compulsory for all under 5s

June

A survey reveals that the majority of parents would like sixth formers to spend at least half an hour a day chanting "Once two is two, two twos are four…"

2013

January

Minister for Education announces his revolutionary new vision to reform English education in the 21st century. All pupils to get up two hours before they go to bed in order to spend 25 hours a day plugged into direct neural interface through which pure truth can be drip fed into their souls direct from the heart of Tony.

June

A survey reveal that the majority of parents like children to wear caps and say "Yaroo chum lends us a shilling for cream bun from the tuck shop, I'm expecting a postal order."

2014

May

State of Texas re-introduces death penalty for under 12s

June

A survey reveals that the majority of parents would like children caught smoking behind the cycle sheds and writing rude words on the toilet walls to be sentenced to lethal injection, provided they are permitted to sign documentation exempting their own children.

Year 0

1st Month of the New Calendar

A student of one of the new academies is plugged into his neural interface, listening to section 28 of a module on traditional values, explaining that homosexuality is just as valid as heterosexuality but obviously heterosexuality is better.

A late flowering bloom of the millennium bug makes the hard drive crash for a few minutes.

He has spent all his waking hours in school since his third birthday, and his spare time has been spent in voluntary work, homework clubs and summer schools. He has got excellent marks in his tests, and has recently been awarded a Princess Diana Happy Camper award.

As the machine reboots, he looks out of the window.

This is the first free, unregulated, un-taught, un-supervised, non-ideological moment he has had in ten years.

His brain cells panic. They do not know how to cope with this strange new experience.

And suddenly, unexpectedly, it happens. A creative thought flashes through his brain. Acting on a strange, atavistic impulse, he stands on his chair. Then he looks at his teacher, and he speaks a word; a word which has been used to him on so many occasions; a word whose import will echo down all future centuries.

He says "No."

All over the country, "Centres of Excellence" are burned to the ground. Downing Street is besieged by a rampaging mob of school children, armed with pea-shooters, catapults, and Dennis the Menace Automatic Repeating Potato Guns, one free for each reader this week.

After a prolonged siege, the Prime Minister agrees to listen to the leaders demands. A document is handed in at Downing Street, bearing the following text:

"Flippin's eck mister leave it out. Do this to us, do that to us, make us grow up make us not grow up, longer hours this, responsible citizens that. I've just had a revolutionary new vision to reform English education in the 21st century. It involves us not being your bleedin' barbie dolls to mould into whatever you feel like, and you getting on with flippin' will teachin' us rather than having bold new visions to re-make flippin' society. And we want chips back on the menu at dinner time, please."

Day 2

Survey shows that the majority of parents gave children who participated in the up-rising a firm smack on the hand.

Day 3

Everything carries on exactly as before.

 

"We don't need no educashun."

`Trad.

 

 

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